There Are 5 (No, 4) Things in Life Worse Than the Philadelphia 76ers
The Philadelphia 76ers are so bad that the word ‘bad’ has sought an injunction asking a new word be created to describe them. Yes, that’s just
bad awful things have gotten in the City of Brotherly Love.
As of this writing, the Seventy-Stinkers have yet to win a game this season. See the picture above? Those players are named Jarvis Varnado, James Nunnally, James Anderson and Elliot Williams. Yup, we have no idea who they are, either. If they weren’t fringe NBA players we’d bet Varnado is the name of an obscure Marvel superhero, while the other three are pseudonyms concocted by the Federal Witness Protection Program.
Fans of this once-proud franchise are beside themselves amidst rumors management is intentionally putting an atrocious roster together in the hopes of securing a higher draft pick. They’re basically lovable losers, like in ‘Major League,’ except this team is not lovable, there’s no way they’ll defy the odds to make the playoffs and there’s no goofball Charlie Sheen to lighten the mood.
There’s good news, though, that we’d like to share with fans of the oh-and-76ers. While they may go down as the worst team in NBA — and pro sports? — history, there actually are things that are even worse than this team. There aren’t many, but we were able to whittle it down to find the few things that make 76ers basketball seem not so terrible.
Parking at the mall on Black Friday
Much like being dragged to a 76ers game, no one wants to be out for Black Friday. We’re there out of a sense of obligation, to find nice gifts at extraordinarily low prices, even if it means following that 95-year-old woman two time zones away as she slowly walks back to her car so you can claim her space. On the bright side, fans aren’t turning out for Sixers games, so parking is almost as much of a breeze as beating them is.
It’s amazing how something that takes about a second can ruin your day and still sting for the next week. It’s pretty similar to watching Philadelphia’s opening possession. With an offense that’s dead last in the NBA, Philly scores about as much as the captain of the Dungeons and Dragons club on prom night. It’s painful, but it’s still no paper cut. Man, those things kill.
Watching any Tyler Perry movie
It doesn’t matter what movie he’s in getting dressed up like someone’s sassy grandmother, you want to stick a fork in your eye — even more than you do when watching the 76ers. If you disagree, then you can plug in Adam Sandler here. Or Rob Schneider. Or anyone else you think should probably be put on a Hollywood blacklist at this point. It’s really your choice.
Wearing gear of the opposing team while at a Philadelphia sporting event
Philly sports fans are notorious for being mean. If you show up at an Eagles-Cowboys game with a Dallas blanket, there’s a good chance you’re leaving with a pair of black eyes and maybe a broken bone or two, as opposed to the feeling of soul-crushing dejection you’ll leave with after taking in a Sixers game. We’d rather the mental anguish than the physical torment.
Waiting at the DMV
You know what? We take this back. Sure, everyone is rude and you age two minutes for each one you spend waiting (kind of like you do watching the Sixers try to complete difficult basketball skills, like dribbling and putting that orange ball in the basket), but at least you can pass the time sleeping, as opposed to feeling the need to call the police to report a beating when watching Philly play.